In my research, I write about integrity factors and uncertainties because these components are part of decision-making in relationships. I use the word “relationships” to mean all kinds, not just romantic or marriage relationships. I even mean it in the way data analysts define relationships between tables of data. Communication happens between entities of information, whether living beings or communication satellites. We have smooth connections and we have turbulent, noisy ones. You can evaluate integrity components and uncertainty components to identify obstacles and empowerments in your connections. Let me tell you a story about what happened 10 years ago, not long after I had begun testing my hypotheses about the effects of weak or strong integrity and uncertainty factors. It wound up saving the marriage of two friends of mine, and I was very grateful.
My wife and I decided we needed to split up for many reasons, so she went to stay with one of our friends for a while, and an incident occurred that very nearly ended their marriage. My ex was there for a few weeks, and one night, after a little too much wine shared by all three of them, took a walk with the guy, and somehow, no one knows how, those two kissed. In a public area, and before they had walked back to the house, the wife had received a couple of phone calls alerting her to the situation.
Well, my ex was thrown out, and I got a call the next morning: “Please come pick up her stuff, we don’t want to see her again”. When I got there, I found them in a critical state of conflict: he was packing bags and she was still furious. So, for one of the first times, not the first, I applied my integrity and uncertainty factor evaluation matrix I had been working on. Integrity is undermined by uncertainty, so I created a matrix ratio of factors which smooth information flows, and factors which resist or interfere with the flow. Its a ratio of integrity components divided by uncertainty components. At that time, my work had only revealed 5 of the 7 integrity components, and also 5 of the 7 uncertainty components.
Those ten were enough though. I entered the couple’s living room, and witnessed the fury and anger. I said, to the effect, wait a second, let’s discuss. I didn’t discuss the event involving my ex. I discussed what was going on in the connection between the two of them. I asked them, on a scale of 1-10, please say, as in a two-way street, what would each of you say you “score” each of these components? And they settled down a bit, and agreed to go through the exercise with me.
I said “Openness”, how do you rank that, from you to him, and you to her? They responded, and it was pretty close to a ten. We went on. To Honesty. To Respect. To Commitment. To Generosity. (I hadn’t yet identified Awareness and Harmony in my research, but those are also integrity factors). I wasn’t surprised, but they were: with each answer, they said high scores. I had known them for a while, and knew their relationship was one of integrity.
Then we went through the uncertainties. Again, at that time 10 years ago, I only had 5 of the 7 I know now. We discussed mistakes/error. That one got a low score that day, but they then said, it had been higher before. We went through entropy, diction, speed-loss (information showing up too late to be useful), misalignment of intentions (conflicts of interest, but more than that), and fear (uncertainty about the past or the future). Once again, the scores were pretty good. And they looked at each other, and said, “Yes”. Yes, we actually do have a good marriage. Yes, we have for a long time. Yes, we do have a good future.
I haven’t talked with them in a long time now, as I moved away. But ten years later, I still see on social media that things are still going well. I see grown children now, and remarks about how much they love each other. And I say to myself: that was a good thing, that day, showing them how they really did have integrity in their relationship, and the factors of uncertainty weren’t really a problem, even though something very bad had happened that could have ruined it all. Ruined it because of reacting with emotion in the moment. Saved by clarity of what it takes to really make good decisions: getting to the table with a solid connection, to discuss those things other scientists talk about in decision-making: benefits, risks, and resources.
Bill Custer's thought sphere 